Rose Reads Twilight
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: after being forced to read Twilight, Rose gives her opinions on the series. and they're not friendly. after all, if they were the world would be doomed to end.


**Author's Note: it's not that I don't like Twilight...it's just that I read loads of better Vampire books like Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Anita Blake Vampire Hunter, Vampire Academy, House of Night (though I do think Zoey is a bit of a Mary Sue) and others. Twilight's good, but there was many things that I didn't like (like Breaking Dawn) and I felt it was more of a nineteenth century material than twenty first century. **

I was sitting at the kitchen table with Mummy, Saffy, Sarah, Caddy with baby Buttercup (we really must stop calling him that) and Indigo. In front of me was four black covered books, one with an apple in some hands, one white flower with blood on it (at least I think it's blood, blood sounds more interesting than paint), one with a broken red ribbon and the other with some boring chess pieces.

I was in the Casson Twilight Club.

I am not sure why Indy is here. I think he is only getting a sandwich. Yes he is eating.

Four long, boring months ago Sarah had shoved these books in my face and said "read them, don't look at me like that Rose, you've been reading loads recently and I'm sure you'll like these. They're all about vampires"

I do not know where the vampires are. I'm pretty sure they do not sparkle like they do in these books.

"So then, what did you think?" Saffy asked.

"Are you sure there were vampires in them?"

"Did you not read them" Saffy said rather nastily.

"Vampires do not sparkle!" I protested. "Me and Tom watched a vampire movie last Christmas, none of them sparkled! Or went out at day or drank animal blood or had changing eyes or not sleep!"

"When did you and Tom watch a movie?" Indigo asked he looked rather funny like he suspected me of doing something wrong. And even if I did, it's none of his business!

"When you were asleep" I said truthfully enough. Because he was asleep and the front door was unlocked and I know where all the places creak and the streets are very quiet at two in the morning. "I also thought the books were sexist" I said proudly.

I learnt that word five years ago when Saffy was ranting about a football teacher being sexist in her school.

"No it is not" Caddy said, then she paused and looked thoughtful, "or maybe it is..."

"Caddy! It's a great tragic love story Rose" Sarah said in a rather teacher like way. "Bella falls madly in love with Edward who wants to protect her. She feels so lonely when he leaves her and tries insane things like motorbikes to hear him. Sort of like you and shoplifting after Tom left" I glared at her. Because not only do I not want to remember the bad days when I was very naughty but because Tom and me are not like Sparkly and Wimpy. "He thinks she dies and tries to kill himself, like Romeo and Juliet! And when they reunited he wants to spend all eternity as her husband. How is that sexist?"

"The writer implied that all women are unhappy unless they have a man" I said flatly though I was very happy that I used another big word. My vocabulary has been improving with all the reading I'm doing. See there I go again!

Sarah looked put out. "She has a point" Indigo said munching on his sandwich.

"So they're like Mum and Dad" Caddy squealed excitedly.

Daddy slept with Mummy's sister and made Saffy. He then left Mummy and lived happily for a little while with Samantha and then really sad for ages until he came back to Mummy. During that time Mummy went out with Darling Derek but was not happy and decided to be a shed hermit.

Not a good role model for a marriage.

But scarily like Sparkly and Wimpy.

"Oh dear..." Mummy said blushing. "I hope that doesn't mean Darling Derek gets hairy once a month"

"Darling Derek was already hairy" Saffy muttered.

"Also I dislike the name Reneesme" I said. "If someone named me that I would kill them. What is wrong with a normal name?"

"Pot calling kettle black, Permanent Rose Casson" Sarah said meanly as she poked me.

"Also that was a terrible plot and Breaking Dawn is very boring. I was hoping for a bloody battle and it didn't happen" I said ignoring Sarah. Because Permanent Rose was a better name than Reneesme. At least I can pretend I have a normal name like Rose.

Also Tom thinks it's the coolest name and Tom's opinion is better than Sarah's.

"You mean it was anti-climatic" Indigo said making himself another sandwich.

How much can he eat?????

"It was boring" I repeated.

"Twilight is a great series!" Sarah shouted. "Sure Edward was a bit of a noble git and Bella a bit soggy but you have amazing complex characters and the sexual tension between them was so thick even I felt like snogging something!" Indigo looked a bit happy at that. I am not sure why. Snogging does not sound very nice. It seemed very wet. "Also I thought you liked them because a bit of it was like you and Tom all over. Tom is older than you and of course would act like a noble git for you, while you're always pining for him! It's literally the lion and the lamb. You being the innocent lamb of course"

Everyone but Mummy snorted.

"I think Tom's the lamb in this case" Indigo said.

"Why are you even here? This is an all girls meeting" Saffy snapped.

"Buttercup's here" I said slowly.

"Buttercup- I mean Carlos – is a baby, it's all right for him to be here. We plan to mould him into a gentleman like Edward"

I think I should warn Michael that Buttercup is going be wearing lots of body glitter when he is older.

"I hope that doesn't mean he'll leave his girlfriend because of a paper cut" I said out loud.

"I'm waiting for David. He wants to practise his drums and then we're going out" Indigo said. "Also Tom wanted me to tell him Rose's opinion on Twilight"

"Why is he secretly a Twilight fan?" Sarah asked with a very, very evil glint in her eye.

"No. He said if Rose likes it then the world will end. If she hates it then he knows we're safe for at least another ten years"

I laughed while the others (apart from Mummy) scowled.

"Tom doesn't appreciate good literature" Saffy said.

"I don't know Tom introduced me to some really good Vampire books. Though some of them do very strange things" I said remembering the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. I didn't get past book ten. Too much weird things were happening. "At least none of them sparkled" I got up. "Oh and before you ask I am not on Team Edward or Team Jacob because overall I thought the series was something that should have been written in the old days where we are not allowed to show our ankles. We live in the world where women can kiss other women not pine over a man"

When I marched out of the kitchen, I swore, for just a moment I heard someone whisper:

"She's just saying that because she's on Team Tom"

I ignored it because I would never, never, not even under the pain of torture and David's drumming; admit that I am on Team Tom.

Never.


End file.
